Finding myself

I had seached high and low, for the true identity i hold.

i asked myself repeatedly, am i good?

And i found ways, to become as special as i could.

/

I cannot put into words how He has made me experience roller coaster in 3 days.

First (and i promise myself the last) time ever i felt dejected, that no one would care my exsistence anyhow. That no one really loved me for who i am, they just love me for the way i am. Comical, funny, clown-y, jovial, happy-go-lucky. But who besides Him actually know they were all a show of disguise?

Yes, life was a drama I directed myself.

I told myself, when i stand on THAT stage, i gotta shine like a star. I have to do all I can, dress my best, and catch everybody's attention.

I wanted to be special. I wanted to be Odette.

And i wanted to take on other roles i've seen in other theatres.

So much, i thought i wasn't good enough.

I'm afraid people would no longer watch my performance.

They might walk out of the theatre, right before my eyes even when i did all i could to look my best.

Those lies that i lived with for life, were all being scratched away today.

It was painful but it was good. For me, and for my audiences.



It was never easy to believe in myself.

"Good job", it was never good enough.

"Great effort", it just meant failures.

"Try harder", it sounded like Just Give Up.


Until Someone along the road, a Traveller that stopped over to watch my performance. I danced the best i could, but i slipped and i fell. I sang the best i could, but i cracked a little note and made the best living joke. I acted the best i could, but i forgot what i needed to say and became the biggest embarassment of the night.

He saw my failings, but He smiled.

The traveller held my face in His hands, that felt like the warmest cup of cocoa, and He whispered in a still small voice that only I could hear,

You're special. I know who you are. That's why i came here to watch you. I know the one behind the stage, and I love just the way you are.

He gave me a dress.

It was the most simple dress i've ever seen, the most comfortable one i've ever wore.

And it felt like Home.

He shouted encore, i came out in the little dress.

I danced, I sang, I acted. And it became, He was the only One i could see off-stage.

And that night onwards, I know I am the most special Odette.

/

This is all that i needed to know.



I don't have to know why i'm born with the body and family i have, the failings i experienced, the circumstances i face, the mountains i can't move, the things I can't do. I just needed to know, the God who saved my life; that I am special in His eyes. That He could give me eternal gifts that will last me for life.


I'm not just good, i'm great. Because God says so.

I no longer believe in the lies of the Evil one, that i am never good enough.

I made Him my Director, and I will trust in where He will lead me to.

I realise, I might just put my lives in the hands of my Father, and He will make me the greatest Odette. For Him, for His glory, for His kingdom.

Jeremiah 1:4-12

The LORD gave me this message:

"I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb.

Before you were born I set you apart

and appointed you as my prophet to the nations."

"O Sovereign LORD," I said,

"I can't speak for you! I'm too young!"

The LORD replied, "Don't say, 'I'm too young,'

for you must go wherever I send you

and say whatever I tell you.

And don't be afraid of the people,

for I will be with you and will protect you.

I, the LORD, have spoken!"

Then the LORD reached out and touched my mouth and said,

"Look, I have put my words in your mouth!

Today I appoint you to stand up against nations and kingdoms.

Some you must uproot and tear down,

destroy and overthrow.Others you must build up and plant."

Then the LORD said to me, "Look, Jeremiah! What do you see?"

And I replied, "I see a branch from an almond tree."

And the LORD said, "That's right, and it means that I am watching,*

and I will certainly carry out all my plans."